alright, so it's been FOR-EVER since i've written on here.  i'm pretty sure everyone has given up looking for updates at this point, but i thought i'd take a moment to return from my hiatus anyway... really for my own entertainment more than anything else. 

i've been extremely ill for the past week and a half... ugh.  but today will be my third day out of bed and i think it's pretty uphill from here.  the doctors tell me that i have some kidney damage... i'd like to say that i'm surprised, but i'm not really (ask me if you want to know more).  so tomorrow (monday) i will be going to all my prof's office hours to see if i can salvage what's left of the semester.  for any of you that know me, you know that i am absolutely completely and entirely ready to be done with my college career.  it's not so much that i know what i want to do with my life.  in actuality, i'm probably not ready at all to graduate (plans wise), but the past couple of years have been so chaotic and i'm pretty drained.  the crappy thing about graduating on time while working many hours a week (or at least moderately close to on time) is that it pretty much guarantees you no break.  you can expect summer classes and sometimes even minimesters in order to obtain the pretty piece of paper that increases your salary and social standing (the diploma... in case you didn't catch that).  anyhow, long story short:  i'm tired of A&M/College Station/classes that provide me with information i will never use.

on a more positive note, i'm reading a beautiful book called Same Kind of Different As Me.  It's a true story of the lives of two men and how their paths cross.  Denver Moore is a modern-day slave and Ron Hall is an international art dealer.  i've been trying to dig deep into the Word lately... pursue God on all fronts... ask questions and explore doubts in my faith.  it's been good, but i'm exhausted.  i went to the book store looking for a book with a more subtle message of God.  i wanted to put down the Strong's concordance and set aside the agony of unanswered questions and explore what i already know to be true and right.  so when i walked in and read the premise of this book, i was immediately interested. 

it's turned out to be amazing on so many levels.  it has opened my eyes to the oppression of the homeless and minorities of this country.  sometimes i think i let my heart become hardened toward these groups of society... not because i don't care, rather because it has just become an accepted part of this world's history and future. 

it's incredible to see the heart of a man consumed with the ideas of money and possessions start from skepticism to complete adoration of our Lord and Saviour.  it's unbelievable to watch a man embittered by the hatred of the world soften his heart and turn to a language of love and Christ-way.  it's so hard to hear the tragic stories of this country (religious or not), and it was beautiful to read complete and utter acceptance of God's will and change of heart and soul.  now, let me say that in no way do i think we should not be listening to the cries of our fellow man in their tragedy... by all means, we should.  there is a verse that says:  "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you."  [James 1:27]  everyone perserves themself and their faith in different ways, but for me to serve the "orphans and widows" and not be "corrupt[ed]," i have to take time apart from their stories.  this book is a means of restoration for my soul. 

both men speak candidly on frustrations with Christianity that are so close to my heart:

"I slept in the doorway of that United Way over on Commerce Street for a whole lotta years.  And every mornin for all that time, a lady who worked there brought me a sandwich.  I never knowed her name and she never knowed mine.  I wish i could thank her.  Funny, thoush.  That United Way buildin was right next door to a church, and for all them years, nobody at that church ever looked my way."  [Denver Moore p.80]

"I guess we were pretty good at the whole Christian thing-- or maybe we were bad at it-- because we managed to alienate many of our old college friends.  With our new spiritual eyes, we could see they didn't have fish stickers, and we set about savidng them from eternal damnation with all the subtlety of rookie linebackers.  ?Looking back now, I mourn the mutual wounds inflicted in verbal battles with the 'unsaved.'  In fact, I have chosen to delete that particular term from my vocabulary as I have learned that even with my $500 European-designer bifocals, I cannot see into a person's heart to know his spiritual condition.  All I can do is tell the jagged tale of my own spiritual journey and delcare that my life has been the better for having followed Christ."  [Ron Hall p.61]

while other parts of the book are hilariously accurate of the failures of evangelizing and the feelings of many non Christians:

"As it turned out, we had actually been labeled 'lost,' 'nonbelieving,' and 'unsaved,' possibly because we had no fish stickers on our cars.  (Which reminds me of one friend who, though newly 'born again,' retained the bad habit of flipping off other drivers while barreling down the road in her Suburban.  Even with her newfound religion, she ouldn't control her middle finger, but according to her husband, the Holy Ghost prompted her to scrape the fish off her bumper until her finger got saved.)" [Ron Hall p.59]

"Each Sunday evening, the discussion funnel narrowed further, from general philosophizing about life to pointed evangelization.  After five weeks, I had it figured out:  If you hadn't accepted Jesus by the sixth Sunday, you were probably going to hell on Monday." [Ron Hall p.60]

anyhow, i guess what i'm saying is.... Go Buy The Book! 

in other news, i might be looking at trying to do some more recording (and by that i mean there is a 9% chance i will actually do it).  i just picked up my guitar again... the last time being probably about 6 months ago.  music and writing have been a huge release for me.  in that way, at times i avoid both at all costs so as not to stir up emotions i'm not ready to deal with.  despite the dangers of rumenating... i've rediscovered my love for the rhythms and melodies that pulse through my veins.

and now, an activity started by Robbie Seay:

i am: not my own
i think: the hearts of others are beautiful
i know: very little about the most important things in life
i want: a new job
i have: a lava lamp
i wish: someone would hold my hand
i hate: the ache of loneliness
i miss: bear hugs from my dad
i fear: i am not enough
i hear: silence from God
i smell: "Idyllic Refuge" coming from my lampe berger
i crave: guacamole live from On the Border
i search: for real relationships
i wonder: if i'm still useable for God
i regret: not salvaging an old friendship
i love: the people in my life
i ache: for answers
i care: about the the ache of others
i always: wanted to play the saxaphone
i am not: who you think i am
i believe: religion is corrupt
i dance: in my car
i sing: literally all the time
i don’t always: want to be around people
i fight: the urge to be unhealthy
i write: exactly what i mean, but only one person reads it
i win: ping pong
i lose: my faith very easily
i never: have been the perfect friend
i confuse: what i want with what i need
i listen: to pain and wonder where God is
i can usually be found: at Starbucks
i am scared: i will never find love
i need: relationship with my Saviour
i am happy about: not going to work for a week

an extremely long entry for an extremely long absence...  much love to all of you my friends. 

lately, i've been very sensitive to putting myself on the line.  i have walked out on a limb in so many different areas of my life, and i feel like none of them have proven to be successful.  maybe there's such a thing as conservatism for sake of living in hope.  i know God says that we will step out of our comfort zones to be a Christian called by faith, but i'm tired... and quite frankly God, i just don't see the return on investment (the only thing i learned in 2 semesters of accounting). 

i'm taking inventory on my personal life and i'm cutting back on relational purchases.  no longer will i reach out to be denied.  i've always said that i'm a person that thrives on the interpersonal, but it just seems to be costing me far more than i imagined.  but Jesus was the perfect example, right?  He put His whole life on the line for relationship with the people of this world, and was denied.  so maybe i should just turn the other cheek and thrust my pride to the side... lose all to gain the chance for one fellow man in my life.  but i'm just not buying it right now.  i want to say that the hearts of my Brethren are worth more to me than any real peace of mind, but i have to admit that i'm losing my mind.  your hand in mine is proving to be more trying than what i thought was worth all my time.  i want to love, but i don't want to be left open wide.  what a selfish way to offer my heart.  i'm sorry to those that deserve far more from this side.

i just need a new reason why.

tread lightly

when you pass here, my friend

tread lightly and

do not trust your own feet

for they may leave affliction

you walk on diamonds here, my friend

and they are not your own

so tread lightly

when you pass here

~a dear friend